Things I'll Never Say
by Marissa Barton
Summary: Alright... I swear I've been working on this, I just haven't been posting it here... Sorry! Check for all updates in the next few days!
1. Dear Diary

Author's Note/Disclaimer: This is JUST my fanfic... It has nothing to do with The O.C. itself, it isn't some top-secret episode they've made, or created by the writers of The O.C. , It is just my first O.C. fan fic... A thirteen year old's story she wrote while she was bored... That's all.... Period.  
  
Chapter One - Dear Diary  
It was just too humiliating for me to watch Ryan and Anna struggling to dance. I just felt the urge to laugh at them before I walked over to help.  
  
"You two obviously have no idea how to dance, do you?" I had asked, sarcastically.  
  
"Why sure! We know how to dance just fine, Marissa, can't you tell?" Anna replied in the same way I had asked, just before laughing herself.  
  
I had looked over to Ryan just then, and seeing him laugh was just complete and utter perfection. Just then Anna stepped aside almost instantly, giving me room to show them the correct way to dance.  
  
"Right then! Like this!!", I know I had sounded just a bit too excited, but this was my chance to dance with him, with Ryan! When would I ever get another chance like this?  
  
"Oh" I remember saying as I showed him where to place his hand on my back before taking his other hand. I know I always daze out once in a while, but this time it was extra long, because just as his hand reached my back I felt chills throughout my body, like I was supposed to be with him, like my body was telling me he is the one. I looked up at him, and I knew he noticed me shiver, because he smiled just then, and I knew it was to comfort me. He is amazing; his smile was always strengthening, looking into his beautiful blue eyes, which were enough to make a girl melt.  
  
'Just stop' I tried to tell myself right then that it couldn't work out, I truly know he is the one, but I am with Luke, Luke cares for me, Luke is the one they think I'm supposed to be with. Just then Ryan had noticed I wasn't actually paying attention to the dancing, so he stopped which caused me to trip over him. Although he did catch me, I felt my heart racing at that point, he asked me calmly  
  
"Are you alright?" as he helped me stand straight,  
  
"Is there something wrong?". I just stood there like a babbling idiot, stuttering on the words that just didn't want to come out.  
  
"Eh, Oh, Yeah, I mean Yes, I mean" I tried to get out as I let go of him, but before I could get a complete sentence out, a familiar voice came from behind me.  
  
"Hey Chino boy, trying to seduce my girl?" I then recognized that it was Luke as he wrapped his arms around me. Before Ryan could say anything I threw Luke's arms off of me and spun around.  
  
"Chino boy? God! What is wrong with you? Is that all you see?" I then looked to everyone else, "Is that all you people ever see in a person? Where they are from?"  
  
I pushed Luke out of the way the best I could, and stormed out of the building with one quick glance back at Ryan before I turned away, leaving it all out of sight, but certainly not out of mind. 


	2. The New Guy, The Outsider

Chapter Two - The New Guy, The Outsider  
  
The new guy, the outsider, that's what they all think of me. They are so stuck up, but not her, not Marissa, she's amazing. Yet I was worried for her, it seemed as if her world was crumbling, and it always, just somehow, my fault . . . wasn't it?  
  
I really didn't know at that point. As she left, my heart told me to run after her, but my brain kept my feet in place. For some odd reason I glanced up to Luke, as if to inform him of his stupidity, to inform him that Marissa was his girlfriend. Somehow he understood what I was thinking, because he glared at me, and I felt as if I should back up, maybe just a few steps.  
  
"Hey man" I began to tell him as I put my hands up and backed away, "She's your girl, and don't you think should go after her? Not me?" I thought he was going to turn around and run after her, as he turned just half way I realized he had a different plan, and before I knew it, I was on my hands gasping for air once again.  
  
'Don't loose it. Don't start a fight. You promised the Cohens' I told myself, but that wasn't me screaming, and I knew that wasn't my fists flying. I looked up to see Anna's fist connect with Luke's lip, busting it open with her ring. I saw Seth run to grab her, and as the pain calmed I managed to get just a few words out.  
  
"Stop" I told her as she began screaming even more, "Anna, Stop!" I shouted the best I could, but she wasn't listening, she kept going on at Luke, something about being stuck up, and being a show off. I didn't actually want to listen, I mean, I was trying my best to stand up, and also trying to control my anger towards Luke. After being punched, both are the hardest things in the world to do.  
  
Right then I saw Anna begin to calm down as Seth tried to get her away from Luke, who too looked as if he was going to punch something, or someone.. As I stood up straight though, I regained my strength, and also tried to help Seth control Anna. I looked to Luke as he turned and walked out of the building, his "buddies" close by his side.  
  
Being from somewhere other than Orange County, people tend to see you differently, to see you as someone lower than them, and although I know this is going to take a long while to get used to, I know there is that one person, okay two if you actually want to count Seth, but, that one person who likes me for me, and not for my money, or my social status. She's different from the rest of the Orange County 'rejects', she's normal. 


	3. Diary, I’ve got more problems

Chapter Three - Diary, I've got more problems . . .  
  
(On a side note: most of Marissa's parts won't say anything about the last chapter ~unless she was in it!~)  
  
I just sat on my bed and cried for so many hours after that. I'm not even sure how I got home, since I hadn't actually paid attention to where my feet were taking me. At that point I knew I had to think about some things, to make up my mind on some people, and figure out what is actually going on in my life.  
  
After so many hours passed, my mother was standing at my doorway glaring at me with her 'pissed at the world' look.  
  
"Why aren't you getting ready!" she began to yell, "We've got to leave for Cotillion in two hours!"  
  
"Cotillion? You actually think I'm going to Cotillion mom?" I yelled through more tears,  
  
"Of course, let's go, get ready" she replied as she turned around to walk away,  
  
"Look at me! I'm not going! I have no date, my eyes feel puffy, and not to mention they ARE red!" I kept yelling at her.  
  
But all she did was turn back around and stare at me again. She had to be staring for over five minutes before she replied,  
  
"Call your BOYFRIEND, yes, he is your boyfriend still, call him and tell him your sorry"  
  
"No! I'm not going to tell him I'm sorry, because I'm not. I'm not going to lie to him"  
  
"Well then take that boy next door" "Ryan?!" I asked her in excitement,  
  
"No, No, No, that little, eh, geek? No, that's mean . . . Beth? No boys aren't named that."  
  
"Seth?" I asked as she began rattling off strange names, names that certainly weren't for guys.  
  
"Yes, Seth, ask him then!"  
  
"Mom, Seth, well is Seth, I'm not into HIM like that."  
  
"Well you should act like you are, just for one night" she told me before mumbling 'And tomorrow you and Luke can get back together'  
  
Before pushing her out the door and shutting it I had screamed "OUT! Get out, go to the stupid Cotillion, No, I'm not going, goodbye!"  
  
I wasn't in the mood to hear his name, to be told that I was going to get back with him. My 'boyfriend'? My jealous little 'boyfriend' who won't even trust me to talk to Ryan? I told myself I was over him, Luke, and my heart had listened, but my brain kept telling me I was only lying to myself.  
  
After my mom had actually decided to leave me alone, I sat back down on my bed and just stared out the window toward the Cohen's house. Ok, no, I wasn't looking at their house, I kept glancing at the door to their pool house, hoping to see a glimpse of Ryan. I don't know why, but being mad at Lu--, you-know-who, made me think more about Ryan. He was the only thing I had on my mind, and I liked it!  
  
"I've got to see him, I'm going to go see him!" I decided aloud, "Just for a few minutes, that's all, alright!"  
  
I had to realize something, but I wasn't exactly sure what that something was. As I thought about it, I quickly went down the steps and snuck past my parents, arguing of course, and left.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Do ya like it? I hope so! Thanks to all of you who reviewed my fic. I actually didn't like it that much, but knowing that all of you liked it really made me want to write more and more! Thanks to one of my reviewers who helped me with suggestions toward a title. I've been going everywhere and posting "The Untitled O.C. Fanfic", so I hope to get a title soon before people actually start to stick with that! Well, more reviews will get more chapters, so keep it up! 


	4. Beginning To Realize

Chapter Four- Beginning to Realize  
  
As I watched Marissa enter the Cohen's backyard and head toward the pool house I literally panicked.  
  
'Why isn't she home getting ready for Cotillion?'  
  
Since I was still recovering from the "tiny" incident with Luke earlier, I didn't feel like understanding anything. I sprung across the room to unlock the door, and as I walked back toward my bed I stopped at the mirror and just starred at myself.  
  
"What's up with you, Chino?"  
  
'Yeah. I was definitely talking to myself now. I definitely lost it!'  
  
'Did I just call myself Chino? Damn this place is getting to me'  
  
Thinking, waiting, and more thinking were all I did in those few seconds before she knocked. I quickly looked at the mirror once more, and noticing that the gigantic bruise over my ribs could most definitely be seen through the beater I was wearing I trampled over the crap on the floor and grabbed a short sleeve jacket thrown over the chair.  
  
As she knocked on the door I tried to move, to collect myself, but neither was possible.  
  
"It's unlocked!"  
  
I knew it was Marissa, but I sort of jumped when she said "Hello" softly.  
  
"Hey" I managed to say as I turned around to face her.  
  
"What's Wrong? I noticed her eyes were red, as if she had been crying for a long while. Although I tried to sound completely unconcerned, it was just never my strong point.  
  
She almost immediately became defensive, and blurted out "Nothing!"  
  
Her tone of voice made me feel strange, like her crying was my fault, that her pain was my fault. I didn't like that feeling, I never had. 


	5. There is an Us

Chapter Five- There is an "Us"  
  
As Ryan came closer to me and placed his arm around my waist I froze. I hadn't expected that of him, not now at least. When I regained consciousness a few seconds later I looked up at him, staring. I smiled quickly, then glanced away, but when I looked up again he was smiling too.  
  
"I like it when you smile" He almost immediately started blushing.  
  
"You too" he replied simply, adding, "I've noticed you haven't very often"  
  
"You shouldn't talk!" I joked  
  
Laughing, he changed the subject as he pulled away from me and sat down on the edge of his bed,  
  
"So what is up? I know you wouldn't actually come all the way over here just to say 'Hello'"  
  
I followed him and sat close beside him, answering, "I wanted to know what exactly happened after I left. Your one arm there hasn't really moved from that spot across your ribs since I got here" I pointed out, "Tell me, Please"  
  
"Nothing. Same old thing!"  
  
"Ryan, please, tell me"  
  
"Nothing, truly. I'm sure your boyfriend will change it to make himself the good guy, then tell you"  
  
"No. I rather hear it from you"  
  
"Change the subject" he replied to me sternly. Ryan never talked to me like that, so I got the picture and changed the subject as fast as possible.  
  
"Fine then, we need to talk. about." I trailed off.  
  
"About.? What?" he sounded like an idiot, I will admit that, but it was obvious he hadn't caught onto anything.  
  
"Us"  
  
As the words escaped my mouth slowly, he froze.  
  
"This is an. an. an. us?"  
  
"Yes, Yes, us. you and me. that makes an US!" I smiled a bit, then added, "And I'm glad"  
  
"Me too" there was excitement in his voice, and he sat still for a moment before adding, "I guess" 


	6. Uh COHEN

Chapter Six - Uh . COHEN . I had 'secretly' crept over to the pool house as I saw Marissa enter. I was amazed to see her there, I would have thought after what happened today she wouldn't have come out of her room for days. Well of course there was Ryan also. Everything has changed in Newport since he has arrived. Before, I was just Seth Cohen, the guy no one knew about, but now. I'm Seth Cohen, the dork that follows Ryan Atwood around everywhere. But, that's a different story. Anyway, back to what I saw. I walked around to the other side of the pool house where I knew the blind was a bit bent and I would be able to see through as much as I needed. When I got there, I saw Ryan with his arm around Marissa and immediately my mind began to think.. You know.. Yeah! I backed away then, well because I didn't want to think about something like that right then. I headed inside and up to my room, wondering still why she was there. "I'll just ask Ryan later" I said aloud. "Yeah, that's what I'll do" I walked over to the window to see if I could catch a glimpse of Marissa leaving, to see if they kiss or not. I knew I could just ask Ryan later, but I needed to know now. It was killing me! I didn't see anything, so I thought she had already left, but just to make sure I grabbed a chair and a comic book and sat by the window, glancing up every minute or so to check if she was coming out. ".. Come on already!! I'm getting bored!" I yelled out the window. Right then I saw the pool house door open, and Ryan stick his head out. He almost immediately looked up to my room, which didn't give me much time to duck out of the way, so instead I waved and held my comic book up a little higher for a second then acted as if I was reading it again. I heard Ryan as he called up a sarcastic "Yeah Right" and shut the door once again. "Okay, so they aren't doing. yeah. cause he wouldn't of been able to open the door that quickly. unless." I would have finished, but as I began to I heard a voice, a voice I longed to hear. "Uh. COHEN." It was Summer. In my room. Why? "Um, yeah, Summer, Hi?" I blurted out. "Do you know where Coop is? I went to her house to see if she was alright, and her dad couldn't find her, and calling her cell didn't help me much cause she turned it off, and you're her uh. friend. so I thought maybe you'd know where she was" She talked annoyingly fast, and as I tried to catch everything she said, which left me completely lost, I noticed her disgusted look toward the book in my hand. She shook it off and waited for my answer. "Okay. Marissa. not home. you think I kn- -." "Yeah. do you?" She sounded desperate to know where she was, so I pointed down to the pool house, and offered to take her down there. "Eww. I mean. whatever..." 'She sounds so pleased' I thought as I led the way down. 


	7. Marissa's Breakthrough

Chapter Seven- Marissa's Breakthrough I was surprised by this, by Ryan. I couldn't believe he didn't believe there was an "Us". I starred at him for a short while, then stood up and quickly walked toward the door. "No Wait" he jumped up after me. "I've. I've got to go" I stuttered, idiotically. Just then he grabbed onto my waist passionately and began to kiss me. I was so excited and I most definitely could not believe what was going on. I calmed a bit as he broke away and, as if he knew it would make everything perfect, he smiled. I felt my face tighten as I began to smile and blush.   
  
All I could manage was a pathetic "Wow" as I tried to pull myself back together. "Why thank you!" he joked, his smile widening. I was going to reply, I truly was, but just then I heard Seth shout something like "Oh come on already". Ryan opened the door slowly and looked up at him. I heard him laugh slightly and mumble "Yeah right, sure". Just then I began to laugh, and I couldn't control myself. Everything was just so right; it wasn't something a normal person would laugh about, but, well, I'm not normal! Ryan looked at me like there was something wrong, which made me a bit upset, but I still kept laughing. "Sorry" I gasped, "It's just, too much" I began to stop, and control myself to a mere chuckle... "Oh, I'm... I'm... sorry" he began to back off, he began to walk back over to his bed. "Ryan..." I pleaded, but was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Hold on a second" he said as he walked back over and put his finger on my lips. As I smiled, and shivered, he walked over and opened the door, at first a tiny bit, then all the way to show me who was there. It was Summer and Seth. I sort of frowned, because this was supposed to be just me and Ryan... Me talking with Ryan. "Coop! What are you doing here! You should be over at your house! Getting ready for Cotillion! Not..." She stopped as she looked around, then at Ryan, "Uh.." She stuttered as she tried to think of something nice to say, "Not here" she managed. "Sorry Summer, I was just on my way back to my house... I'm sorry..." I stopped... 'Just tell her you aren't going' I told myself 'Come on already!" "I'm not going to Cotillion" "WHAT?" she screamed, which reminded me of my mother. "I'm not going!" I replied in the same tone. "Coop, your going crazy... You know you need to go" I looked at Ryan quickly, then Seth, and then back to Summer, "I'm not... I can't go." I stormed out of there, upset, but at the same time I was relieved to know that I was finally standing up for myself, finally taking charge of my life.... Wasn't I? But it wasn't over, not to Summer anyway. She followed me out of there and almost started chasing me when I started to run. "Coop! Coop Wait!" she wailed. I wasn't going to stop, not for her. She would do the same thing my mother would. Lecture, Lecture, and more Lecturing. I couldn't take it, as soon as I reached my porch I searched around in my purse for my keys, and as I pulled them out the door opened and there stood my mother. She looked even more pissed off then usual, and I didn't dare say a word. "Marissa! Where have you been! You needed to be ready ten minutes ago!" she started on me, and I didn't want to hear it. I stormed passed her and headed for the steps, but she continued anyway. "Marissa, hunny. Stop this now. So what, you and Luke had a tiny fight, all great relationships have their troubles" Right then and there, she could have stopped with the "Marissa, hunny" and just could have let me go up to my room. But no, she had to bring up Luke. I spun around, obviously furious, and began screaming. "MOTHER! Get this through your brain. Luke and I, we are OVER. Get that? OVER! We didn't have a great relationship! We didn't have any relationship! If he can get completely jealous over the fact that I'm friends with the new kid, then I'm pretty sure he just knows Ryan's better for me than he is!" Wow. Did I just do that? I stood there for a second, amazed at myself for what I had just done. My mother, too, was shocked. I didn't wait for an answer, though. I turned back around and headed up to my room. As I slipped in there and shut the door I once again stood there, amazed. Wow. Just... Wow. Hey, how did you like the update? I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted it on here. I'm truly sorry! I hope you like everything so far. I'm currently working on my story, which is cutting into my fic writing time, but I swear I'll try my best to get the new chapter finished and up so ya'll don't have to wait so long!! Luv- Marissa Barton 


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